Whod you bang
your thong is hanging out like whoa
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
