I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
