I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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