i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
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Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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