I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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