I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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