Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
