Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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