In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
