take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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