I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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