I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
