There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
