You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
