In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
