good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
