Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
