My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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