I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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