just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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