Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
