I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
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How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize