My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
