Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
