If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
