I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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