Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
