I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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