I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
