I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
