and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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