How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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