the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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