Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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