that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
