I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
