there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
