when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
