I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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