if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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