I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
