That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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