I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
