he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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