i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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