new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I licked your asshole in confidence.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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