Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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