my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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