My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
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Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
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Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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