God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We left the knife in your bed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
