I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
