he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
