dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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