Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
