Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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