I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
