Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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