I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
