mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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