Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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